MoodleMoot DACH
The Struggle of Modern Love
Five Complete Relationships I Had With Inanimate Objects Today Or, Why I Don’t Need A Boyfriend
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1. I don’t usually listen to the radio but for some reason my iPod wouldn’t load and I certainly wasn’t going to sit with my thoughts like some sort of prisoner, and then there you were.
You were so happy and full of life, not exactly the brooding sarcastic type I usually go for, to be honest. For one second, when you told me it was ok to be the silliest me, I suddenly thought I loved you, isn’t that crazy? I’d never even heard of you before and then, I mean…love. Can you believe my ex called me cold? It’s like, ok yeah, whine some MORE about your mom’s death dude, I’m trying to watch tv. Anyway, song, here’s the thing, you left. And then I heard a few other songs, songs I knew well, songs I respected.
When you came back, I just couldn’t help but notice everything I missed.
You rhyme a word with itself, song. Do you know how embarrassing that is for me, that you’re not even smart enough to come up with two different rhyming words? I can’t believe I didn’t see that before. Look, I still like you, I do, but frankly, I can’t be seen with you. I’m sorry. If you want to come over tomorrow night, after I’ve had a few glass of vodka and I’m feeling lonely, I’m sure that can be arranged, but if I see you at the Gap, I’m going to have to coolly pretend we don’t know each other. Please don’t call me (or ask to be my ringtone).
2. It was crowded, but I couldn’t stop looking at you. You were perfect. “Let’s go somewhere quieter,” I whispered.
The 17-year-old salesgirl looked confused as I walked by. I was, too. ”I don’t usually do this,” I said to you as I took off my clothes in the tiny room meant for just the two of us. The lighting was harsh, it was sleazy, but I didn’t care. I pulled you down on top of me and that’s when I saw it. One long blonde hair. How many girls had you been with, red party dress? Did you compliment her eyes, too? Make her feel pretty? I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want it like this. “I’m sorry,” I said as I ran from the room.
3. It had been about a year since I’d seen you. We used to be so close, but I’ll admit it, I’d gotten bored.
One day SoulCycle caught my eyes, you know how these things go. Anyway, I ran into you while looking for some ski gloves I absolutely know I didn’t lose because I promised myself I would not lose any more gloves and I can’t really handle failing at everything, OK? There you were, looking kind of cute. I remember the way you made my body feel and I thought, why not, for old time’s sake. We did it on my living room floor. It’s not that I regret it, but…I just hope I didn’t lead you on with this. I forgot how boring you are. Seeing you again, like this, just reminded me all the reasons we’re not meant to be together. I wish you the best, yoga mat, but if we got back together it would be all downward dog spiral. I don’t need that.
4. I am so hungry! I know I’ve been saying that for hours, but seriously, I’m starving, I just need something.
I mean, I’ve been whining to you about this forever, but it’s like, what am I going to eat? There’s pretzels and m&ms and they’re just all so fleeting and unsatisfying, you know? Of course you do. You’re always there for me, apple, you’re such a good friend. Oh, hey, I guess I could eat you, I mean, you’re right here and I am hungry… OH! I have cheese! OMG I CAN MAKE A GRILLED CHEESE! I’m going to feel so bad about this tomorrow, but, look, I’m sorry, apple. Thanks for being there, you’re really great, but, I think it’s time you really hear me: I’m never going to want you. I’m sorry. I hope you can find someone else. You’re a great food. Maybe we can still be friends and I’ll see you around, hopefully in a pie?
5. Ugh, it has just been the WORST day. Look, I can’t even think about making dinner, let’s just order something and curl up on the couch? I love you, phone.